Oh, Lori, I am so sorry you are going through all this. You've got way too much on your plate. I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. Could your husband take your son somewhere for a weekend so that you could at least get some rest? Or, maybe you should leave for the weekend and check into a motel and just sleep and eat and sit in the hot tub?

Hugs, here, too.

((Hugs)) Lori. That sounds so difficult. You must be so worried about your parents, too.

I wish I had some brilliant advice for you All I can say is, don't give up looking for like-minded people. There must be some out there! They may have gone reclusive, though, which makes them hard to find.

Cathy

I understand your dark day, Lori, and you aren't alone, totally. I hope you find some peace when you come here! Too many things added up at onece and it gets very discouraging. Sometimes the next day or maybe the next week looks a little brighter, I hope this happens for you and your son.
Your son still sounds hopeful and that's huge.
Keep doing what you need to do and don't give up.
Don't let "the man" get you down, seriously, don't!


((hugs))

Neato

Lori - that is so profoundly sad. How old is your DS?

So so sorry Lori.

Sending a big hug.

I'm sorry, Lori!

You know, I've found that if we seem confident and comfortable with ourselves, then others seem to accept us better. Maybe your posts aren't reflective of the way you present yourself IRL, since this is a safe place filled with supportive people. Maybe you're exposing yourself here in a way that you wouldn't IRL, and in IRL you project confidence.

But if you are IRL as you project yourself here, you do seem to me to feel insecure and lacking confidence. You seem bothered quite a lot by what people think. You seem to expect people to reject you and your son, even to look for rejection in situations that don't seem to me to be personal.

That makes me sad for you. It also tends to be self-fulfilling.

I'm not saying that people aren't rejecting you and your son. I'm sure it happens, since it happens to everyone sometimes. I'm just saying that rather than assuming the worst, maybe you could assume the best and even ignore the slights that do happen. Being socially clueless, shrugging off when people are subtly not-nice, can be a really great strategy for dealing with petty meanness.

For example, maybe the swim teacher didn't want your son in the class. That's possible. But it's also possible that she just forgot that you asked her to call you. But you assumed the worst there, and didn't even ask her. Why? Why not assume the best? What have you got to lose? At worst, she 'fesses up and says she didn't want your son in the class. But at least you had the chance to ask her about it. And the best case is that she says, "Oh! I forgot all about it! I'll fit him in because it was my mistake!" But if you leave without asking because you assume the worst, you never find out. Even if she did purposefully slight you, asking her about it gives you the chance to make *her* feel bad for her bad behavior rather than *your* feeling bad and her escaping scot-free.

Another example: you assumed the teachers were talking about you and saying negative things. Maybe they were. But we don't know that for sure. Either way, you can choose to be sensitive to it and let it get to you, or you can choose to smile and be friendly and they might even decide to do the same. Maybe not, but at least you don't have to feel like you have to hide. You don't have to hide, you know! You're allowed to take your son to VBS regardless of everyone else. No one else's opinion has to matter. Why let it?

And the parking thing: that was dumb of the church, but that wasn't anything personal. They'd have said the same thing to anyone who parked there, right? That's the sort of thing that you're choosing to take personally, to let get to you, but you really don't have to.

It sounds like the VBS program wasn't a good fit for you and your son and the people there were not very welcoming. But I wonder if you could just ignore the pettiness and smile and behave as if you feel happy and confident and where you belong, and then maybe you'll find that it's true. People tend to be uncomfortable around insecure people. We tend to be friendly around confident, cheerful, relaxed people.

I'm NOT saying this is your fault. As I read over this, I want to make sure that's clear. I think you and your son have gone through some really yucky stuff and you're in a very unwelcoming town. I think it's been really hard on you. I'm sorry for that.

I'm just saying that "Fake it until you make it" sounds like it might work for you here. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and all that. Pretend you belong and they might just treat you as if you do. Show how proud you are of your son. Smile and be supportive of him when he's struggling physically, but don't let it make you uncomfortable. Explain kindly if people seem concerned or confused, but always seem okay with it instead of insecure.

After all, your son is a very special, wonderful kid! He's a kid to be proud of! And if you both hold your heads up, you may find that you attract other great and special people to you. You are different than those around you, but I'm SURE there is at least one other person around who doesn't buy into the sports-worshipping society there. There has to be! We're in a similar sort of community, but we've found people like us. It's just about making yourselves attractive to friendships while you look.

Hang in there, Lori! I'm thinking good thoughts for you!

(hugs) Sounds like you are under a lot of stress, Lori. I've found worry over parents much more frightening than I imagined. I hope there is some way you can find some help and comfort, and maybe some space away from the small town.

Lori - so sorry you've had so many troubles. What a rotten day. Sending you e-hugs.

Lori, I think sometimes we grownups get in the way of the kids. A parent of a mentally handicapped child once told me how much she appreciated my daughter playing with her daughter at a weekend church outing. My daughter is much younger than hers(this has been 20 years ago), but they were at the same stage of development and interests. I didn't know how to interact or respond to mother/daughter, but my daughter did! From that, I just learned to listen more.
I know I don't always say the right things. Sometimes when I see a handicapped person(or someone just different!) in passing I think, "Does that person feel offended and feel like I'm staring if I look at him?", then I wonder, "Does that person feel I'm avoiding if I look away?" It's our own shortcomings that cause issues, too!

I hope you find a real life community where your sons differences are accepted as part of who he is, and his brilliance can shine unhampered.

Thanks everyone. My son and I went to VBS family night yesterday. My husband joined us about a half hour later. He walked in wearing his leather motorcycle vest that he wears on his Patriot Guard missions and he looked like some tough biker dude. People were looking at him, but he didn't care. He has the confidence to carry it off. I know I need to work on this problem of mine. Both my husband and son tell me I need to quit worrying about what other people think.

One of my son's friends who goes to this church, also gifted, but several years older, came over to sit with us. None of the kids my son's age ever do, yet certain people don't like it if I ask that my son be allowed to go to class with his friends.

I had told my son that he could stay with us and we would just watch the kids do their songs with the hand motions that they were expected to learn in just a couple of days, something that is very difficult for a child with motor dyspraxia. But when he went to throw his cup away his VBS teacher saw him and asked him to stay. He stood there while the other kids did the hand motions, and I realize that most kids really enjoy this, but my son is different, it is not fun for him and he and I had a deal that if he went I would not expect him to do this.

There are only three or four people that make me feel very uncomfortable, but they seem to be in charge of everything. There is one in particular. A few years ago I went to pick up my son from a Bible class that she was teaching and I could hear the irritation in her voice when he asked questions that were not easily answered and when he was the last to finish writing or doing crafts. My husband and I both explained that he has a mild disability that makes doing anything requiring good motor skills more difficult and that he needed extra time to finish but that he is also academically gifted and it is not unusual for gifted kids to ask difficult questions. He does not want to cause difficulty for anyone and he knows from the tone of their voice that he is.

One year I asked if my son could go the class that the older friend he had brought with him was going to because what fun is it to bring a friend if you are going to be separated from them the entire time? This is one of his best friends, also gifted and with common interests, but he was three years older. They didn't like it, but they let my son stay with his friend. I listened outside the door and it was fine. I heard one of the older kids who knew my son very well tell the teacher that it was okay because he was very smart. He loved going to that class and listening to the class discussions.

But ever since then, it felt like things changed. I never asked to have him in a different class after that. My son said he felt that we were "shunned."

I have not found anyone else dealing with similar issues in our town. Not one person, so it just gets kind of lonely sometimes. There isn't anyone else that I can talk to about some of these things.

My special ed teacher friend understands my son's giftedness and the disability that he deals with. Two of her sons, my son's best friends, are also gifted but although she knows about my son's disability she has not lived with it and she has no idea about my mother. I don't tell anyone else about that.

So thanks again everyone for listening. It really does help.