I am a very fustrated single mother who sometimes wish her 15 year old son could just be like everyone else.

He was identified gifted in kindergarten. By the time he entered 3rd grade, he started showing difficulties in organization and following directions. Fourth grade was a horrible year. His teacher doubted he was gifted at all. He had extreme trouble keeping his desk clean and turning in assignments. It seemed as though he lost them within 5 minutes of recieving it. A horrible personality conflict arose between the teacher and my son and most of that year he was in ISS for not following directions. He completed all of states tests with 100% (which he could have done the begining of the year)and OLsaT placed him around 130. I was a teacher at this school also and lost all credibility as a mother and as a professional.

We moved. I began working for different district and my son went to another district. I didn't place him in the gifted program because, I didn't want the pressure of making him complete his work or listen to his teacher at school. (I didn't have much problems at home).

His 7th grade year, he wanted to be in the gifted program again. He took the new district's screening and was acepted quickly. This IQ test placed him at 140. He experienced extreme difficulties in his classes regarding deadlines, applying himself, quality, ..... a classic "underachiever". I thought perhaps, the past few years I had let him go by without studying that now, he was learning to put effort. I imagine it is difficult for a middle school teacher to monitor a student to write posted assignents in his agenda and to constantly lengthen due dates by a day for his procrastination.

His teachers in middle school didn't speak to me very much, but they seem to agree he belonged in the gifted brogram and did not see placing him in regular classes would benefit him. His grades were a rollar coaster...95+ or 50 for incomplete.

Towards the end of 9th grade, my son suggested to me that he may be ADHD. It had never occured to me, nor has any of his prior teachers suggested it. The common teacher remark was "does not apply himself" or basically a lazy underachiever.

The next part was hard... getting a proper diagnosis. Our family doctor thought it might be possible but he was honest about the difficulty of a dx because of his IQ. After two psychologist who found ADHD inconclusive we found an adolescent psychiatrist who made the dx.

There seems to be a lot of controversy over medicating gifted children for ADHD. I thought we would give it a try... he would probably be able to get meds when he was an adult anyway, why not subject him to my feedback while he still lived with me.

After the last grading period his grades were near perfect. His courses are mainly preAP or IB and humanities. Projects were completed on time with more depth, he participated constructively in discussions, and he caught up with 6 months of reading he said he skimmed in the past for his courses. A lot of his teachers are amazed. He did this all on his own accord without any of my helpt. That is the way he has always been.

Even with this experience, I'm faced with a lot of criticism I find hard to deal with. Criticism with being "one of those mothers" who force their child to be gifted and now medicating to exploit his talents. ADHD in my entire state seems to scream "behaviour problem", "poor parenting", or "medicating children so they'll become zombies".

Public education seems to service the majority and NCLB seems to put much focus on the lower end of the spectrum. What really happens to gifted students who are not obedient overachievers?

Welcome.

I'm sorry you're feeling judged for your obviously carefully considered decisions. That's no fun!

Ultimately though, the questions are these: do you feel like you're doing the right thing for your child? Is the medication helping him? Would he say he is better off now than he was before?

If you answered yes to all of these, then I'd say you should ignore the critics. He's your son, and you have to do what you think is best. It sounds like he has ADHD and the medication has allowed him to do what he is capable of doing in a way that he couldn't before. Medication is not for all kids, but it is very helpful for some kids, and it sounds to me like your son is one of those kids. Well, then, good for you for figuring it out and getting him the help he needed!

Why do people even know about it? Is this generic criticism, or is it aimed specifically at you?

Welcome Justamom! I have no personal experience with ADHD, but can say that parts of your story mirror almost exactly one I've just heard from a local mom. Thankfully in her case, the criticism component was lacking, but she too had a very GT child who just wasn't making grades/etc. He spent his first year on some meds and it has been FANTASTIC! He also took the SAT and truly kicked butt, getting one of our school's very highest scores at just 12.

I'm so sorry you have people pointing fingers and such, but I did want to reassure you that GT and ADHD can indeed coexist, and these children have all the similar struggles that ADHD kids at more average levels of intelligence have.

Your best approach is probably one that aims to educate. Try not to take any comments you receive personally, even if they are personally directed. Try to nod your head, smile, and say something like "I agree (people love when you agree ), meds are over used today, and this makes it hard for those families that truly need them to feel at peace with their decision..." Most people have no idea what they are talking about when they comment off the cuff.

Hang in there! I'm glad things are working well for your son.

My son seems to leave a lot of fustrated teachers since 3rd. He has had a few teachers in the past who had said to him "why can't you just do this in the classroom" while holding a standardized test with an excellent score.

It was more of a concentration focusing problem....I see that now, but like many others I thought he was just being difficult with poor work ethics. When I apply strict consequences, such as a quiet room with no distractions, he gets things done in 10 minutes.

His current teachers know about it because we have been trying to improve his work ethics and since his meds are a class II, the school needs to be notified.

He also had a few passionate teachers in middle school who wanted to be the one who helped him become successful.

Sometimes, I even feel criticized by his doctor who has basically said... with his IQ treatment is a good question. If the 50's and 100's average out... he's passing at a 70.

So it's the teachers who are criticizing you for the medication? That seems odd.

With his IQ, averaging failing grades and perfect scores seems like a dumb move! And I wouldn't take a 70% when it's clear that the child can do significantly better than that. That's just ridiculous advice!

Don't lose the courage of your convictions. Dottie's 100% right about standing strong, I think. People tend to criticize when they think *you think* you might be doing the wrong thing. If you seem confident, they'll usually back off. At the very least, you make it clear that the matter of your particular child's welfare is not open for debate by the masses. And that would probably be enough, no?

I waited two years after my son was diagnosed with ADD before finally turning to medication. We tried every alternative you can think of, from herbal remedies to behavior charts, and nothing made a difference the way medication has. We started with the lowest possible dosage and I have tried to maintain him at the lowest level that shows a positive effect. I understand the comments you've received, as my son's ADD doc has seen his IQ tests and knows he is profoundly gifted. He has cautioned me to make sure that I am not trying to medicate him in order for him to excel academically. It's funny really, as I have been very clear with him about our reluctance to medicate, and we are very laid back about academics. But I guess sometimes it is hard for people to see giftedness and not wonder if there is parental pushing happening.

welcome to the board, and I hope your son will continue to do well in his new school!

After ranting above, I just had a thought. Perhaps the other teachers are just going through what I am.... which is bewilderment. Medication works....though I still think my son should just apply himself and get the task done. I suppose he's learning how to do this also. I know his humanities teacher is speachless.

I've been criticized in the past.... to which I basically ignore since I can't manage my son's behaviour in their classroom and I don't have problems at home. I just never heard a teacher bring up focusing issues.


Thank you Kriston and Dottie for your advice. I know the more I react to criticism I am not doing myself or my son any good. I just feel so alone with this.

To get him to be more autonomous I'm having him participate in an aDHD study at a local University to see if he can strategically focus on areas ADHD is causing issues for him.

Welcome Justamom! I'm sorry for the long road you've traveled. I find the comments about not medicating just to make the excel academically a bit puzzling. Is excelling academically a bad thing? An unworthy goal? Am I missing something here? What if you had a kid that was failing w/ ADHD. And you could medicate that kid such that the kid was performing on grade level and thus had a better shot at an education and a better start in life...would they ask the same question ie: Are you medicating him just to make him excel academically? A friend medicated her DD who was struggling w/ reading and thus had low self-esteem. Her reading took off, jumped grade levels, self-esteem rose - isn't the purpose of going to school learning to read and getting an education?

To me it's like having a kid w/ asthma who is breathing w/ 50% efficiency. OH well, you're breathing at 50% efficiency, we don't want to medicate him just so he can breathe w/ 100% efficiency and is able to lead a normal life and play sports. 50% is good enough. I've read so many articles about the US's love affair w/ mediocrity and I think it's laughable, but sometimes I have to wonder if they are right.

sorry...I'll get off the soapbox now.

I dunno. It was a pretty good soapbox...

I really like this approach. I think it's true that once things become disorders with available medication, the medication tends to be overprescribed. There are lots of people today on depression meds who probably don't meet criteria for depression and there are kids on ADHD meds who really do have poor parenting as the root of their issues. But that doesn't change the fact that depression is a frequently fatal disease and the SSRIs have been life-saving for some. Similarly, there are kids with ADHD who benefit enormously from the medication and it certainly sounds like your kid is one of them. Just because some kids don't need the medication they're on doesn't mean that *your* kid doesn't need medication.

From what you've described, it sounds like meds have been wonderful for your son and he's lucky to have you willing to endure the critcism to get him proper treatment.

I think the only parents who get no criticism from others overstepping their boundaries must be those who have perfectly normal children. (Are there such kids?) If your kid has any outlier tendencies, it seems to open up lots of criticism from others who don't understand the situation. In the GT world, people get criticized for homeschooling, for skipping grades (just let them be kids), for advocating (overinvolved helicopter parents), for getting testing (leads to a "label"), and for thinking school should involve academics and not merely be social. It took me a year of being really nice in the school system before I accepted that I'd rather be "one of those" parents than let the school harm my kid. Now I'm much less sensitive to the criticism from family, friends, or school personnel because I don't think they know enough about GT issues to comment effectively. And sometimes, just giving in to being one of those parents can have positive consequences. We found people in the school who agreed with us and were happy to see us advocate and encouraged it (quietly and only when alone with us!). We found that many people were willing to learn about the HG world as we were and it turned out to be ok!

Welcome and I hope you find support for your choices here that will bolster you against those who criticize IRL.