You're not being obnoxious, just passionate.

DS8 got stomach aches everymorning nearly the entire year. The only days he didn't get stomach aches were on the weekends, on a snow day, on a holiday, or when there was a school field trip for science or for field day. I kid you not. The only day I let him stay home was when he freaked out at the front door screaming, crying, blubbering how he just couldn't take it anymore. I had to keep him home. He did go to school the next day.

Now in the 3weeks since school let out no stomach aches. He did have gas one morning but it passed quickly. Now we have track and field at 8:30am. We had been waking up at 8am lol. So now that he has that *stress* he's having stomach aches. I initially thought if this negated the stomach aches being a result of not being challenged at school. But I don't think so. I think the stomach aches are his body's response to stress. This AM after a good night's sleep, he didn't say he had a stomach ache. And this week I've been having to wake him up. For school, he wakes on his own b/c he goes to bed earlier during school so I don't the aches are due to being tired during the school year. The last week of school in which he didn't eat lunch b/c it was all half-days, he still had a stomach ache so it wasn't something he was eating at school.

So after a year, he hasn't learned to cope w/ the boredom and appears to be having physiological reaction to it or at least, a pyschological reaction.

The big question is....where to go from here...that's right for my family.


Regarding DS5... I initially thought that K would be great for him b/c while advanced, he's very laid back, not as hungry for knowledge like DS8 was at 5yrs old. well, recently I've been getting "that book is too easy. I won't something harder. That math is too easy." So while I'm optimistic and positive about K on the outside, I have already decided that if K goes South like it did for DS8 (he cried nearly every night about how bad K was, how boring, how he didn't learn anything), I'll pull DS5 out since K is not required in this state. I know the Principal, acceleration is not an option. While DS8 kept saying "I'm going to learn so much in K!" we're telling DS5 that K is all about learning to still sit all day, getting along w/ others, following instructions, being independent, etc and not focusing on learning.

It sounds like you're completely on top of it. It's tough, but you're doing all you can do right now.

If we can help, say so.

I am one of those who is glad they kept their child in school. My DS's 2nd grade teacher did NOT get him at all. She even is the reason that he didn't get in the GT program at school. She didn't recommend him because she just didn't seem him as anything special. We stuck it out though and both his 3rd and 4th grade teachers were WONDERFUL and totally got him and his 4th grade teacher was even instrumental in helping figure out his visual problems. She bent over backwards to help accommodate him. They both helped pull him out of his shell and helped him be who he is. I don't believe he will ever go back into his shell. So while, 2nd grade wasn't the best of years, I am so grateful that we stuck it out.

Everyone is so right, you have to do what is best for your child in your individual situation.

Kriston, I never meant for this to be an either-or discussion. There are situations where taking a kid out is the right thing to do. You and others have describes kids shutting down as a result of the environment. If my kid shut down, then I would also take action and do it quickly. I thought I had said that pretty clearly in all my posts, but I guess I didn't say it clearly enough, so I am saying it again. If your child is being harmed, you are a doing a good thing by drastically changing that situation which includes pulling them out.

I guess I used our examples because I wanted Doodlebug to not be too hard on herself for not doing something earlier. She and her DS can still learn from this situation. For example, by encouraging her son to be more forthcoming with info in the future, letting him know what is OK to tolerate and what he needs to tell people about. Why didn't he tell her earlier? When should he come to an adult? If these things get figured out now, it can head of problems in the future. And, if, by telling her story, someone else doesn't accept their kid's "everything is OK" when it isn't, that would be a good thing too. I didn't mean to suggest that just because we can learn from something bad, we should activley subject our children to it.

Am I off your black list, yet, K

I'm glad we stayed as well. I should add an early disclaimer that we have NEVER had teachers that weren't "nice people" overall (for the most part anyway), despite any unintentional (or intentional!) educational "neglect" of DS. And while he's always been allowed to finish early and read on his own, his 1st grade year in particular was NOT anywhere close to challenging. He received his official gifted stamp in late January, and only marginal services after that.

However....as we prepare for this upcoming school year, and look at the progress we've made, I think he's set for a pretty good year. It didn't happen overnight, and I can't fault anyone for not being willing to wait....or tolerate the horrid teacher situations I've read about, but we do land in the "glad we stuck it out" camp. (Of course we certainly didn't "leave well enough alone" either, so maybe we don't land in any camp, .)

Oh, SOOOOOOO sorry! Of course you weren't going to an either-or place! I never thought you were! I wasn't going to one either. And you know you can never be on my black list, acs! You certainly weren't here. Oh no, no, no! My fault!

Ah, I knew I was putting my foot in it here... I just feel really strongly about parental empowerment on this issue.

Maybe I just take this topic to heart too much because I felt so helpless in the face of the school situation we were in. I felt highly pressured--by myself, by my values, by my family, by my community...I don't know for sure--to have my son "gut it out." I just don't think that pressure is healthy.

I didn't mean that YOU were putting that pressure on. Just that you were voicing what I felt when I was in that situation. I just wanted to open the door to people who need permission to NOT teach those lessons to their kids. Sometimes, they're not lessons worth learning. I needed that permission. Happily, I had a friend who gave it to me. That's all I was trying to do here for others.

Really, I don't think we're far apart on this at all. In your shoes, I'd have probably done the same thing you did, and I suspect that in my shoes, you'd have been with me. It's more about where our experiences led us to place our emphasis.

And I'm TOTALLY with you about not wanting doodlebug to second-guess. That's not helpful to anyone.

Are we good? I hope!

When you remove your child from an intolerable situation, you are also teaching him/her. You are teaching that their feelings count, that their needs are valid, that they can trust their gut, that they can act to make things right, and that they don't need to stick out every situation just for the sake of sticking it out. And you are teaching them that you value them so much that you are going to do something when they come to you.

If a parent has an open trusting relationship with their child, I hope they will learn what problems they can deal with on their own and will know that if it gets too bad, they can always come to the parent and be heard.

What breaks my heart is when parents don't recognize their child's personality and needs and inadvertently pile on. I did that when dd was in preschool a few years back. The situation was abusive to my highly sensitive child, but the other kids were just fine. I didn't recognize that. I told dd she must go to school, to trust the teachers, to ignore her doubts. She became quite depressed. Fortunately, we had support from the school when I expressed concern about the depression. They investigated and took time to do some re-staffing. We went back the next year for a fantastic year. I will never forget that terrible mistake. But I still have to teach her when it's appropriate to quit and when it isn't.

This is really well put. Thanks, MON.

yep, we're good. I always know I can argue with you and we can find that sane middle ground eventually and as a bonus hope the argument helps someone along the way!

Looking at this again:



I think maybe it all comes down to the definition of harm. I guess that's where the parental insecurity comes in. You didn't define what you saw happening to your child as harm, acs, so you felt good about using it as a teachable moment. I support that. I did define what I saw as harm to my child, and I think you support my choice. For both of us, I think the distinction between harm/not harm was pretty clear.

But not all cases are so clear-cut. Those are the ones that worry me, and those are the people I'm addressing my posts to here. I want it to be okay for people to see that "nice teachers" can still do harm. And harm can be defined more broadly than it often is defined.

Our teacher was a nice person, I think. I don't think she was a monster or evil. But her approach to DS was punitive and would have been socially and pyschologically crippling to him had it gone on. "Nice people" with bad ideas and effectively unfettered power over a child can have that sort of devistating effect on young kids. I just want it to be okay for parents to feel like they can say "no!" Even to a "nice person."