DS9 had what I call an "inappropriate (big kid) temper tantrum" this afternoon, and not for the first time for this issue. His sister is going to the local fair with a friend, and he's pulling his "unfair" card. My policy has always been that friend issues can't be fair. They are what they are. And I can't control that even if I want to! But....it hit me that the kid really doesn't have many friends, and does NOT have the opportunities that his sisters have. And that really isn't fair.

Any thoughts on how to deal with that? Thunder's rumbling, so I'm hitting "submit" without much rethinking on this one....

No thoughts to help, Dottie, but I'm thinking we're going to have a "friend" issue with ours. So, I'm all ears for other people's thoughts. (And, I must say, you are much more accomplished than I if you can drive and type at the same time )

Ah Squirt, you had me confused there for a minute, until I remembered my "location" (several hours of driving per day, !)

I do read books at intersections, but haven't yet graduated to red-light-surfing, .

FWIW, DS9 and DD11 are having a great time together at the moment...his "pout" was short lived. And while I don't think he should have pouted to begin with, the fact that he has so few friends did give me pause.

DD13's fair trip was canceled anyway, thanks to the storms.

Dottie, I'm not sure I understand the question. Was he invited and you didn't let him go or what exactly was he upset about? That she got to go period or that he didn't get to go for some reason. Does he not have the same opportunities because he is only 9 and his sister is 13? I think a 13 year old should definitely have more opportunites to go places with friends than a 9 year old. I'm probably just being dense (you know how I can be - ) but I guess I don't really understand what you think isn't fair. Sorry!!

DD13 was invited with HER friend, and that invite only included her. DS didn't necessarily want to go with 13/14 year old girls, but was lamenting the fact in general that he never got those opportunities. In the past year, my girls have gone to amusement parks, Y swims, sleepovers, camping trips, beach outings, concerts, ice skating, etc with their friends. Part of it is age, but it's also in part due to the fact that my girls have a lot more friends than he has.

I DO think it's "fair" that DD13 gets to go...on this particular outing. But in general, DS has way less opportunities, . This is one of those "life is not fair" things, rather than something I can control. But I have to admit, he has a point...kwim?

Sent you the long response by PM, but I wouldn't let him view this as just a random thing he has no control over in the "life's not fair" sense. How people interact with others and how significant they make relationships with others seems to be very much in someone's control. Maybe your DDs have more opportunities because of age, but likely it also has to do with how much they value hanging out with others and how much effort they put into maintaining relationships. To me, that's not about fairness but rather about choices and the consequences of those choices. If your DS wants more such things, then he has to figure out how to focus on building relationships rather than just be mad when he has fewer friend opportunities.

One of my DSs has little focus on friendship but seems to have as much friendly interaction with others as he wants, and the other wants more while acting so as to guarantee he doesn't have better relationships. For him, we discuss daily how to make choices that will get him the consequences he wants. (I'm thinking running away with the basketball tonight wasn't a good start!!)

LOL on the basketball!

Great points. I confess, I've felt a little "woe is me" on behalf of DS, but the truth is...you've made great points Gratified. I think once DS is feeling secure and comfy, I'll gently bring these issues up. You've made excellent points about his responsibility in the friend making department.

I totally agree gratified. It wouldn't be "fair" in my opinion to limit the girls opportunities just because their little brother doesn't get to do as many things. I was thinking that if my mom had stopped me from doing things because my little sister didn't have as many friends, this would have led to my hating my little sister.

My younger child isn't nearly as social as my older one and I have been trying to make more opportunities for him. Maybe if sis is invited to the fair, you could invite DS's friend to go to the fair with you. He is young and it can be harder for some kids than others to make friends. Maybe you could facilitate his social life and give him the opportunities.

I like gratified's post. I was also going to recommend coaching your DS to invite other kids out to do stuff. Even if they're not best friends, it would still be fun.

Do you think that now he is settled into a grade (with kids closer to his intellectual age), that he will have more of a chance to let friendships develop? I get the sense that he gets along OK with the kids in his class, so is the problem that he doesn't have close friends to do the bigger events with? Is it possible to encourage him to invite someone to do something special with him? Maybe he has too high a standard of the level of friendship required for that kind of invitation. Sometimes you can invite someone you get along with OK, rather than a bossom budy to join you on an outing. Do you think he was more upset about the lack of friends or not going to the fair?