Hi, I'm not sure if this is related to GT or something else completely, but am worried, so wondered if anyone might have thoughts.

My older boy (six next week) has suddenly started having awful tantrums at home during which he shouts names at us, kicks us, throws things. He called his father's mobile and left an awful message telling him to punch himself in the face etc. It's just horrible, and we all find it damaging - he's never been like this before - stubborn and argumentative yes, but a sweet boy. He gets really out of control, eyes glazed over, triggered by sometimes pretty minor exertions of parental authority. I should add that he's still lovely with his brother (4) - they're really nice together.

This has started since the second semester of school began a few weeks ago (southern hemisphere). He was fabulous at home over the two-week holidays, then this change. My boy who loved going to school got three late slips in the space of a week, and two days spending lunch-time in the office for bad behaviour (teasing other children and 'going for a walk' outside the school grounds).

He hasn't said he doesn't like school, and I don't think anything has changed there. He likes his teacher, he likes his friends, it's all play-based (not Gr 1 yet - grrr) so it's not as though he's sitting bored at a desk. I've wondered if it could have something to do with lack of kindred spirits at school? He has children he considers friends, but from where I stand there's not a great degree of commonality - he's the oldest in class and well and away the smartest. I think he was fairly lucky in kindy to spend three years in a good group that did include a couple of like-minded boys from tertiary educated families. Or perhaps the novelty has worn off school even though he still likes the playing? He did think he'd be in Gr 1 after the break - poor love got his holidays mixed up. But then I wondered if that would necessarily make any difference - just because children are older doesn't mean they would automatically connect. And maybe it has nothing to do with that anyway.

I've read so many sad stories about bright children being bored and unhappy in school, but they all seem to be aware of it, so am not sure if it's the case here.

Sorry, this is extremely rambling and fragmented - I'm not at my best tired and upset. Thanks for bearing with me.

I remember when ds (now 8) was 6. There were several of us on another board who were having difficulty with our boys having tantrums and challenging authority. The best I can say is that for us, it passed eventually (4 months?). We set clear standards about how to talk to adults. I remember telling ds (who had always been a wonderful calm sweet child, though a bit anxious), that he'd have consequences every time. He'd have horrible screaming tantrums that lasted for hours. Maybe he was ready to be finished, or maybe not, but when I told him I'd love him no matter how long his tantrum, things got a lot better. But that was after a few months of the authority challenging behavior. I don't know if it's related to giftedness or just normal development but setting limits and being consistent did seem to help us.

Behavior problems can certainly be the result of frustrations at school. Especially if a child feels like no one understands (or cares) what's wrong, he can act out in wildly inappropriate ways.

I don't know that this is what's happening in your case. I think you need more evidence. Lots of things can cause angry outbursts. But GT anger and frustration is one possibility.

When my always-before pleasant child became nasty and angry at age 6, it was clearly tied to school. He told us as much and there really wasn't any question about it. But it is certainly possible for bad behavior to spill over into home life if a child is unhappy at school (or vice versa).

I think it's also worth remembering that different kids are differently self-aware about what's bothering them. My son is and always has been very self-aware, so it made sense that he knew precisely what was triggering his bad feelings. But certainly not all kids--even GT ones!--would be able to ID it. They might just know that they feel bad. Especially if your DS thinks he shouldn't be unhappy at school, he might not tell you that's what's bothering him.

I guess I'm saying that I think you need more information if you're going to figure this out. I don't think you know enough to tell whether his behavior is related to school or not.

Can you observe him at school? That might help.

You might also ask him to pay close attention to his feelings one day and pinpoint for you what is happening each time he feels angry or upset. If he's capable of doing that for you, it might draw you a pretty good picture of what's wrong. Would the teacher cooperate with you on this by letting him write a few words/draw a quick picture every time he gets upset so that you have some record of what his emotional day was like?

You might also try asking him what were the best and worst parts of his day. That might tell you as much as you need to know.

It's so hard! Best wishes to you!

Based on my experiences I agree with what Kriston said. If it's possible to get into the school to observe I think that would be the best place to start.

Also check for physical problems. My dd5 loses all control when her blood sugar is low. The smallest thing will trigger her anger and cause her to lash out. When this happens, if I can get her to calm down enough to eat something she will settle down and become a rational person again. I have the same problem so I understand. I try to ensure that dd has breakfast and then eats every 2 or 3 hours. If she goes 4 or 5 hours without eating we are sure to have problems.

I'm the same way. DH says it's like living with a tiger: keep her fed and she purrs, but woe unto you if you let her get hungry! She'll bite your head off.

I'd be offended if it weren't accurate...

I don't know if this is something that all boys go through where they challenge authority at age 6, or if it is related to being bored, under-challenged, or lack of friends at school... But I remember it all too well. Unfortunately, we had all of the above conditions, so it is hard to say. Even at age 8, my DS sometime has days where I see it reemerge.

It generally arises when he feels he is losing control on some aspect of his life. This could mean school issues, such as friends (bullying, teasing, feeling left out or alone) or having to sit through mind-numbing drills at school. It also seems to happen sometimes at home when he feels that he needs to be treated less like a baby and more like a "big kid" with more responsibility at home. Giving him more responsibilities at home actually worked wonders for us. It gave him a sense of accomplishment when he finished certain chores and started to earn extra things (allowance, computer time, etc.). I would make the analogy that he feels like he is trapped in some form of constrictive box, and he is lashing out to get free. (at least that was so in my son's case.) If that is his case too, then you can gently try to vary some things in his universe (the ones that you have control over), and see if things improve. We gave our son the "you're getting older, and if you want more options and choices, then you have to earn them" speech. He seemed to understand then that he had some measure of control over his actions and his world around him. And I agree with Master of None... Extra hugs and love seemed to remind him that even on his worst days, I would always love him. He needed that kind of consistency when he was trying to alter or reshape his own world.

In this same time period, DS also was accelerated a grade, so his school environment improved tremendously, and we found out that he had food issues (several food allergies). So we changed a lot of variables in a short amount of time. I don't know what combination of things worked, or if it was just an age and maturity thing, but it ultimately got better. There are still days when I tear my hair out, but they are fewer and fewer. (Sigh! Today happens to be one of those days!)

So I hear you, BKD. Hope some of this helps. Let us know how things go. I'll be rooting for you!

Thanks all so much for your comments. As is often the case, just knowing other people have had similar issues helps a lot (without wanting to seem as though rejoicing in other's misery!).

We're piling on the love (team hugs make us all feel better) though hasn't stopped repeats of behaviour yet. And we're certainly aware of the need to keep the food up - poor darling's a chip off the old maternal block.

Just tonight we've had the first quiet statement from him that being in Grade 1 would be better. I'm leaning towards a mis-match with friends as being one of the issues - he shared some playground upset stories tonight too, but then finished with "but what can I do about it? They're my friends." So yes, control too as a problem.

I'm not sure the teacher would be much help re spotting problems, so will try to increase my time in class - I prefer my own chances of noticing when he's behaving atypically. The problem for me in class is getting the opportunity to watch my boy - apparently it's customary to mob visiting parents & siblings - it's the only time in my life I've felt like a pop star and I don't think I'd be on for too much of it. Sweet and all, but I tend to want to run outside yelling "Personal Space!"

Oh how I hope we get through the worst of it quickly - even gin and chocolate can't do much at times like this. Those of you who've (mostly) passed through it give me hope, so thanks again.

Cheers
BKD

I think you might well be right about the mismatched friends. That does make it sound like he's swallowing his frustrations with them, which is then bound to come out somewhere.

Mom's gut feeling is usually right. Do what you can to confirm what you see with your son, of course, but moms usually know.

Hang in there!

I think it definitely has to do with school, at least from the information that you have given us.

The one thing that I can say about my son is that the beginning of the year is always great. New teachers, new classmates, new material, new expectations. He is always excited about school, wakes up early, and dashes out the door. That is in August for us, USA mid-western kids. By November, the grumbling begins. He is slow to get going in the morning. His enthusiasm for school begins to tank. In kindergarten and first grade (both miserable years), he would complain of being too sick to go to school. I think he just reaches a limit on how bored he can be. He always recovers a bit over December's Christmas break. Then January to May is really hard. Last year he was grade accelerated after the Christmas break and that helped until at least April, when I started to see the same issues creeping up again (although on a much, much smaller scale)

You might be experiencing the same thing. I know that you posted that your son had the WPPSI-III recently, but I've missed what the school is thinking about doing for your son. Are they open to providing him with either grade acceleration or a gifted program?