My DS loves self-directed play time, and I understand from my reading that this kind of time is crucial for his development and learning. I also love the bounce and spirit he shows when he’s playing at his solo games. At the same time, I need him to follow my direction sometimes, and he needs the experience of receiving direction as part of his development. In school, nearly all his activity is ‘other-directed.’ Sometimes it seems inevitable that his capacity to act on his own initiative will eventually get smothered.

I wonder how other parents balance these two modes. I’m also interested in parental tricks of the trade for transitioning from one to the other, and to the mixed directivedness of interactive play.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I can't remember: how old is he? Age often makes a big difference on this one, even for GT kids.

Kriston:

I'm interested in how parents think about this question generally and how they approach it pretty much across all ages.

My son is 6.

Ian

Sure. But you will approach this a lot differently for a 2yo than for a 7yo, you know?

One that works for all ages is plenty of time for solo-play at home. I tell my kids that I am responsible for keeping them alive and healthy, but it is not my job to entertain them.

If they aren't getting along with each other, I often find that it's because they haven't had enough alone time, so I separate them and have them play by themselves for a while. It always seems to help.

Limiting TV and computer time helps, too, I think.

The mixed directedness isn't something I have worried about too much. Is the problem that he's not following directions well while playing, or is this more of a philosophical concern? I'm not sure I'm following you there...and I'd like to!

Ian, my DD is also 6 and has always had a strong drive towards lots of self-directed play. I notice it more evident like now, during school, wasn't as apparant during the summer.

She does pretty well at school. Behaves well, everyday after school she has snack and then goes up to her room to play with toys, playmobile stuff by herself.

I think we're getting into a nice pattern for her so she expects when she can and when she can't. I think a schedule is good, so she knows at these times during the day, you own these times and can make desicions about what you do, within reason of course.

I do give my children a lot of leeway and allow them to make more independent decisions than I see most parents in my neighborhood, school, etc doing.

I don't know if that's the right or wrong. I can tell you I have had comments on it! So far it's right for us.

Somehow DS8 gravitates towards whatever activity he needs at the time. If he has been in school all day where the primary activity is other-directed time, then he seeks out solitary lego building when he comes home. It is almost as if he needs that down time to process all of the interactions and stimuli that he has encountered during the day. When he has had enough of his solo time, then he comes and finds me or he begins to notice that there are other kids outside playing up and down the street. I've also noticed that if he has been around a loud group of kids all day (say his horde of crazy cousins at a family event), then he goes off by himself for 45 minutes or so when we come home. He is an only child, though, so that may make a difference?

Kriston's point about limiting tv and computer time is critical though. We don't watch tv very much as a general rule. I allow educational video from the library, and occasional specials (last night was family movie night, for instance.), but the tv is usually off. I do believe that he would choose to come home from school and plop down in front of the tv, if that was an option. I have noticed that if he has been at his grandparents for a few days and has watch an overload of tv, then the self- directed play stops. It takes about three days for him to stop saying "I'm bored. I have nothing to do." and find the internal drive to go back to self playing.

I'm trying to think back to when he was younger if he could do this on his own or not? I'm not sure if it has an age component or not?

Did I answer your question at all?

This is exactly like DD6, not an only child. I was like this as well, as a child. I have 2 siblings and TONS of extended family.

I do the same thing. If nothing else it makes the house more quiet

Side note: DS7 woke before 4 a.m. (!!!) yesterday and watched TV until I got up at 8. I only found out that this had gone on after the fact or it would NOT have gone on!!!

Needless to say, it was NOT a good day for us! He was tired, cranky, and had OD'd on TV. He was bored and listless, utterly incapable of entertaining himself or playing nicely with his brother, and he cried at the drop of a hat.

We had a chat about the need for sleep and the house limits on TV time, even in the morning...

Ugh.

So I might also recommend making sure the kids get enough shut-eye along with the limits on TV. Personal experience being what it is and all...

It's one of those parenting philosophy and child personality questions to which there are as many answers as there are families. In our family, we have one who needs tons of alone time and is stressed by the long school hours. We have another who needs stimulation by the boatload. She will get her stimulation off of mischief if not given adequate structured time. We try to balance it based on what makes them function best, how they seem the most focused and happy.

I'd agree 100% about TV. But that's because my kids don't like TV. For real. Sometimes when one is sick, they will watch TV, but more than an hour and there is irritability. If my kids liked TV, I might have a different perspective. BTW, we haven't ever exposed them to the "Saturday morning cartoons" so they don't know what it's like to have advertising and other enticements trying to keep them in front of the TV either. We are actually working on increasing tolerance of TV and movies and hope to introduce video games soon. So far, they at 6 and 8, can't handle video games. A couple preschool computer games are all they can take. There are many that they just won't touch. Too scary. Wimps? Maybe, but that's who they are and we love em.